where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
