You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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