Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just want nice things and good sex
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
