I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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