gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
