somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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