I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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