I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
