I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
