I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
