I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
