We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
