please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
