Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
