I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
They took my balls.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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