I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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