theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
