how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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