I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
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She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
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I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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