sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
