I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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