Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
