Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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