I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
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(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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