well I can't set my house on fire every night
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
