OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
