He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
