Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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