so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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