When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
