is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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