um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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