Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
