Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
