It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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