I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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