btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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