Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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