i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
