ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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