we have pet lesbian snakes
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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