I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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