a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
