At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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