matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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