So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Small penises have feelings too.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
