why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
