How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
