my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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