I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
