Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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