I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
