In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
