Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
