Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
