I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
