You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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