Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
