i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
